Narcissistic Gravity

Do you remember a friend who always took the last slice of pizza even though he knew you'd only had one slice and really wanted the last one? How about a roommate who agreed to be responsible for half the weekly chores but consistently let them go until you did them for her? Have you ever been on a date in which the pleasant conversation, dreamy mood and prolonged eye contact seemed to just carry on and on? Or conversely, has anyone ever assaulted you and then declared you "had it coming"? The Boil-down: Humans need to feel safe in moments when fleeing is difficult. One way people and other mammals establish a sense of safety is through eye contact. With the help of eye muscles, the brains and nervous systems of two (or more) people can keep them in the same mood; when the mood is positive, the result is healthy attachment. When the resulting mood is mutually negative, or when one or more people abuse their power to create a chronic or even brief harmful "me first," selfless or powerless members are likely to be traumatized. The bigger the harmful violation, the more traumatized the victim(s) will be from the experience. When powerful people make a habit of "me first," (narcissism) the effect on the couple or the group is (in this blog) called narcissistic gravity.

The Details: The first and possibly the most fundamental concept this project will introduce, to borrow from systems theory (the law of nonsummativity, which states that a system's whole is greater than the sum of its parts), is an emergent property (another concept from systems theory) occurring in the space between a person's narcissistic behavior and the inward and outward responses of that narcissist's victims or codependents. We're pretty familiar with terms like narcissism, victimization, and codependency--words found in the vast ocean of concepts known as psychology and/or mental health. The first contention of the Eyes Wide Open project is the idea of something palpable swimming around in the same waters, releasing toxins and creating harmful currents. In other words, narcissistic gravity. It is observable wherever humans are, it exists despite most people's unawareness of it, and it profoundly affects the way human groups function, as well as the health of the individuals who are subjected to it.

In his writings and lectures about polyvagal theory, biologist Stephen Porges describes safe attachment as the converse of trauma; safe attachment is "immobilization without fear." This happens with the aid of (among other things) muscles in the eye called orbicularis oculi, which lead mammals to share an experience called a coregulated state. Such a state occurs when a mother is gazing back down at the infant she is holding, when two lovers lock eyes over dinner and moonlight, or when a dog-lover talks sweetly while petting her adored fuzzy family member. Like other mammals, humans need to feel safe while they are "immobilized"--when they are eating, sleeping, voiding/eliminating, and embracing or mating, it is important to our health and survival to be empowered to do so without fear.

Coregulated states can also occur during group shared experiences, such as when members sing at a church gathering, professionals rehearse meditative techniques at conference, or a family of sports fans watch their team play. But coregulated states are not always positive experiences (for instance, when the fans all experience their team losing the championship in the final minute of the game, or when a couple is locked in conflict, exuding reciprocal negative affect [the emotions shown in vocal tone, facial expressions, and other body language] for one another). All the aforementioned examples of coregulated states are likely symmetrical, with all members of the said state experiencing emotions in a similar direction, and arguably, of a similar magnitude. However, the presence of a phenomenon I will call narcissistic gravity holds a dyad or a group together in a very different way. Along the lines of Breunlin, Schwartz, and Kune-Karrer's synchronous family regime in Metaframeworks, when members are rigidly expected to feel the same or express aligned opinions so as not to "rock the boat" by upsetting an ultimately powerful member, any "sameness" in the emotional state is not safe, but rather codependent (Wegscheider-Cruse), fused (Murray Bowen), or conformity-driven (Solomon Asch). In more acute and chronic situations, it qualifies as traumatic.

And the emotional state might not be symmetrical at all, but rather complementary. The narcissist of the dyad or group, who earns the distinction by consistently abusing possessed power to achieve the habitual preferential status of "me first," may sometimes be projecting fear onto the other member, who then also experiences fear. However, even in that case the victim's fear will supercede that of the narcissistic perpetrator--and the result of the interaction is often amelioration of the narcissist's fear; basically, the narcissist's fear is reduced or relieved by passing it on to the victim by unreasonably controlling the situation in ways that benefit the narcissist. More frequently, a narcissist's habitual tactics consistently give him relief or even pleasure, while his victim partner or co-members experience distress. The more distressing this victim experience is along a measurable continuum, the result increasingly qualifies as trauma. This is one way trauma occurs; narcissistic gravity takes distress or desire from the narcissistic perpetrator and places a resultant distressing burden upon the victim(s) of the dyad or group (in the process, it creates or reinforces an irrational negative self-belief within the victim). According to Stephen Porges, this victim experience of trauma is "immobilization with fear" (emphasis added). That's right, narcissistic gravity is not merely rude or annoying; when the victim is dependent upon the narcissistic perpetrator in intimate space, and/or when the narcissistic act threatens the survival and safety of the victim, it is traumatic to the victim.

What You Can Do: The first step to preventing or protecting yourself from anything unhealthy is awareness. Having your "Eyes Wide Open" simply means noticing and understanding in a potent, effective way. When you become aware that you are being subjected to narcissistic gravity, one immediate step is to assess whether it is safe to talk to the narcissist about what you see. But know the risks: trying to communicate with a narcissist can end badly. He may simply dismiss your observation and invalidate your claim. If he has power over you, he may use that power to hurt you; for instance, a boss could cut your pay, demote you, or fire you. In intimate space, the narcissist could physically harm you for "rocking the boat" by bringing up such a topic. If communicating to the narcissist about narcissistic gravity is unsafe or ineffective, it helps to talk privately with a trusted listener who is not brainwashed by the same narcissistic gravity. Another victim of the same narcissist could commiserate very well so long as they are not roped into an unhealthy loyalty to the narcissist. Someone outside his gravity, whom you trust, would be more likely to unaffected by the narcissist's power or charm, and could provide needed support against this toxic gravity.

Ultimately, in the words of Terry Real, it is important to live what he calls "full respect," which means to accept no disrespect, give no disrespect, and allow no disrespect to reside in your mind. Full respect of self and others means you can choose to step away from any interaction driven by narcissistic gravity. In therapy, I show clients how to coach the space by simply controlling whether they are part of an interaction or not. "Shelly, I really want to remain in this conversation, but under the circumstances I can't (which means I won't). I'll be back in a few." Upon return, the person coaching the space can set terms for involvement. "Okay Shelly, I thought about what was troubling me, and I figured out that if you can talk about things without calling me names or blaming me for the way that you feel, I can stay and listen. Should we give it a try?" If the narcissist refuses to agree to the "coach's" terms, then the "coach" can simply opt out of the conversation. If opting out is too costly, then one can passively listen for the moment, remaining calm by silently rejecting the hurtful tactics the narcissist is dishing out, and leave when the powerful speaker (aka her boss) is done. Please understand that if you are chronically exposed to more severe narcissistic gravity, you are faced with the need to permanently say "no deal," and walk away from that relationship for good.

*The concept of narcissistic gravity and other concepts to follow will be used in the Eyes Wide Open project to help the reader to identify the impact of previously "invisible" forces upon individuals and groups, see past related human tactics, and gain a more effective understanding of events in the family, the government and other institutions, in the media and in politics.